Another day of mis(t)ery.
Many of you who know me personally would not expect me to stick with blogging. More likely you'd expect me to be starting a new unfinished business or maybe make some more “wanna be art” such as acting in very experimental play we'd rather not talk about any more.
And you are right; But also here is blog number two.
I am a Caucasian, European girl, writing this blog on my holiday in Italy, so let me create a problem here:
From time to time, I AM VERY ANXIOUS*.
*Just to be clear: some of you might be suffering from severe anxiety and/or depression. In no way am I trying to belittle this issue. This is more of a “self-help-lets-have-some-fun” sort of thing in this world full of paradoxes and personal tragedies.
S. Kierkegaard once said
Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.
In my case he hit the nail on the head. Every and I mean every fucking time when I have more free time for myself, the Anxiety would out of nowhere be like:
“Hi :) How is that you are not busy? So maybe worry at least?”
(Also I imagine it to be something like a cute creature you really wanna try to play with. But long story short IT'S A TRAP.)
So then I worry.
Here is some list of worries if some of you need any inspiration.
I worry about my life as an artist. My “good-enough”. My loved ones. My spendings. My savings. My time. My possessions. My thoughts. My emotions. Me trying too hard. Me not trying enough. My decisions. My selfishness. My future.
Then I worry more.
Then I worry that I worry.
Then I repeat.
So I found out that recognising the first step of worry is quite important. Even starting with saying “hi” back to that little anxious witch, I mean bitch.
Just observing my own thought process, not trying to change anything, just being there as an observer helps me not identify myself with that evil self-destructive voice. I see more clearly when it fades away too.
This all could be trained with apps like Headspace, or dating my fiancé, which I'd rather prefer you to try the app, thank you.
So after recognition there might be some illumination and action. But thats a more complex topic on values, decision making, meditation,.. and I am already a bit bored of myself so let's get to the point.
Imagine there is a new day full of misery (and mystery) ahead that you have a certain freedom to operate within.
What would help me the most is simple;
“Do what is important first, not what is urgent.”
Eisenhower decision matrix
Which opens the topic of values or what is “important” for you, again. So ok, ok!
If you haven't done it yet just realise there is Death sitting by your side (stolen from S. Jobs speech)
Go have a little chit chat.
So as we both know, there are many many things which are not entirely under our control (like The day Death will be finally tired of my bullshit).
But some things are.
Those are my anchors and routines. Things that would give me some limits, ground me, give me purpose, a schedule, and would be things that are so called “important to me”. Not because I need to finish them (you smart-asses who didn't believe in me posting another blog), but because one day they will be unfinished anyway and I'd rather spend some time having fun “un-finishing” than not having fun at all.
I would provide you, again, some list for inspiration.
You can even cluster them into whatever clusters make sense for you (body/soul, fun, passions etc).
THINGS I HAVE UNDER MY CONTROL
🙃what and who i surround myself with
📚what I read
🎶what I listen to (music, podcasts!)
🍌what I consume (yes, internet too)
🕺🏽my “me” time
🐉my training time
🧘🏻♀️my ability to observe my mind (👉🏼headspace app)
🧫my ability to discover
🤸🏻♀️my ability to play
💭my ability to share
💡my ability to learn
🔦my ability to reflect
🌊my ability to create
⏳my time investment
🧠my conscious intentions*
*Feel free to steal and share more inspiration in the comments.
I stole the technique from the book 'Inner Game for managers' by T. Galleway.
I am not sure if there even is something like decision making about our life before we enter this world. My sci-fi soul is pretty convinced this is a game, a “Matrix” and we chose the struggles of human beings to learn and grow. But honestly, I have no idea. All I have is today. I do not know what it might bring. I am pretty sure I will die during one of them. But I find this quite comforting:
“New Mysteries. New day. Fresh doughnuts.”